eve of new years eve (:

last night has to be documented as i had one of the pretty awesome days in 2010. the first half of the day was the usual boring wake up late and rushed for driving but still late. met akbar and ilyas at the school and talked all the way to woodlands to meet kak yati and make the trip to town with her to meet seth.

now here's when the really good stuff starts. he needed to get awesome headphones (cause they really are awesome and so different from normal ipod earphones which costs a bomb outside) so we went to this place his family goes to and i got a freebie there. interesting right. and the freebie is really good stuff like good earphones for my lonely trips across the island.

so anyway we parked somewhere along the freemasons building, which was mystic and i saw someone inside it ftw, its supposed to be all secret society-ish and exclusive so mind my crazy excitement. admired the nice scenery but little did i know that i was in for a nicer scenery. we headed off to dinner which was the supposed plan to sunset, which is at seletar camp, and the place was breathtakingly awesome. tho it was closed to orders already, still loved the whole arrangement and ulu-ness.

so while we were making our way out of the place in search of another makan place, he stopped halfway and had the crazy idea of making me drive. his family car. how crazy is that? so i refused and he insists and i drove a freaking toyota wish i can't believe it from seletar all the way to chomp chomp please. almost ran over a pedestrian at a roundabout. but i managed.

and because of that i will never forget this day. plus his tunes were awesome too!

i am bored.

since i have nothing better to do except for stalking and googling totally random things and people, i decided to come here, and you know free my mind a little bit. its so lame isn't it. having absolutely nothing to do during the holidays. oh damn. wanted to go on my much anticipated beach holiday but you know i am broke and i still have to concentrate on my driver's license first i don't want it to be something unachievable because of my lack of discipline to complete it.

been streaming shows online but it sucks. i hate all the waiting, low quality and how it gets stuck all the fucking time. but you know, beggars can't be choosers huh? i need to do something fruitful this holidays. would have loved to do an internship position but i suck academically and i have such a low self-esteem that it kills me to just put my incompetent self out there. i am sure what kind of jobs i'd like to pursue, but seriously i doubt if i can even make it there. and that truly sucks you know?

so i am broke, bored and friendless. of course there are those few whom i still wanna see and chat with and waste my time with, but sometimes, i just don't know. what is wrong with me? ):

but anyway, maybe marmalade pantry for brunch tomorrow, doesn't that sound exciting? still thinking if i should go though since money's tight but company won't be too bad actually. what do you think?

of revelations?

you know how the second half of last year and the beginning of this is i was head of heels in convincing myself that i loved someone so much it was worth all the stupid things i'd say and do. then when that love was awfully received (haha rejected actually) i was so convinced i was so over it, him, and all that we've done? it was true. who am i kidding, i wasn't even convinced with myself back then. i had to resort to the silliest and dirtiest tricks of all, (read in the midst of novels so you can imagine the melodrama i created) which he successfully ignored. why am i not surprised. i degraded myself to a whole new low. i even had to take a trip with total strangers for almost three weeks, to look at the bigger picture, so that i cannot always just wallow in self-pity thinking that if something happened according to plan (mine at least) the world will be a much better place. neither was spending bucks overseas volunteering. it didn't help make the world or even the country a better place. i was merely just aggravating the situation. like really. you just temporarily impose yourself on others while leaving a mess that can either be a good thing or a bad thing for the host. of course its not the same in the realm of love. that realm, has to moral compass to it. has to specifics to proper action and reaction but reaps us a hell lot of smiles and warmth and happiness. i haven't been watching movies for a year now, and it really feels good cause i just can't bring myself back there anymore.

i used to think i was pathetic, hell i prolly still am. my atrociously sick inability to move past things. haa but time heals all doesn't it. i don't know why it is taking so long for me like seriously. my baby steps must be too small. and i really can't stand friends who mock my single-hood. like hell yeah nobody wants me so you can tell that to the whole world thank you.

sometimes i get so sick of life and i wonder why am i here in the first place. worship my one and only, help others as much as i can and of course, do everything with passion. cause really, what is life when you're doing something you do not have a heart for. i just hope i will do it considering i did truly miraculous things of late. like walk home from punggol interchange, run all the way to sengkang and back, visit a museum all by myself and a shopping therapy afterwards, of course. more things alone? i am not sure. but i haven't found the one i wanna do those things with. or maybe i've lost him. and i feel like leading someone on is not so sweet at all. anyone can be there for you when you let them to. so do you have to just because you want someone with you? mr right is not the same as mr right now. but it is certainly not easy to know that for sure. plus who am i to judge all you lovebirds out there?

maybe i have successfully screwed my life up


):

i just stopped believing. for a long time now.