It's really interesting how some people can refuse to be human. The basic building block of humanity, sheer compassion and courtesy is lost. Interesting. Especially when you're so ridiculously full of it in the first place. Really really interesting. My tiny brain is overworking itself again, not on academic pursuits but on useless, senseless but definitiely influential thoughts that take up the whole of the gray matter, not that its a lot to begin with.
It must be the school. And the rain. Cause the last time I felt like this was two weeks back, Halloween, stuck in school, heavy rain, cool weather, dark dark clouds, like how it is now. Maybe its a sign I should not study in school, especially here, one of the few deserted areas where I am allowing my pathetic thoughts to control my actions. And I feel like peeing, but I have to pack everything up, the laptop, the books the bag just to head to the loo and then I have to search for a new seat to attempt to study or just to continue these rubbish thoughts.
You must think I'm crazy cause I let myself let these thoughts overcome me. Well, personally, I'd rather these thoughts take control now, do whatever it wants to now than jeapordize the coming weeks with the exponentially increasing probability for it to occur within the next three weeks. Cause today is the last day of school. And it can be the last of everything. The semester has started and ended in an instant really. Life has rolled downhill in a blink. Imagine what I would be doing now had life took the
right turn.
Imagine. I for one would be a much cheerful person I think, cause I probably would've shut out all doors of doubt and questions, and live blissfully in pretence. Would I still be cheerful in the pretence? I don't know. I might just be. Ignorance is bliss, afterall.
I keep thinking things happen for a reason, but the reason is not popping out any soon. And I'm really pissed. Cause I don't like blaming myself again and again for the chain of events. Man, I don't even know if its all my fault. I don't like how people go around as if the world revolves around them, and every little mishap is my fault. Maybe I'm accountable for some, my trap needs to be filtered sometimes, but honesty is the best policy, or so I heard, and truth hurts. Therefore, its either white lies spew out of my trap or blunt truths. I'd really prefer the latter, cause you really should accept me for who I am, confront me, demand explanations for my blunt truths. Not have the world turn against me. That's really not how it should be.
I really am tired of pleasing. Cause I am not pleased. Not even close to that. Its good enough I pretend to be happy, and cooperative. I'm really getting tired this time. Cause I have been there for you. I did my best. You knew I was at my lowest, yet you did nothing. No consoling words. At all. Maybe that's how we roll. Enveloping every tinge of concern with sarcasm so we appear cold. But I guess sometimes it really alright to lose the cold facade, cause I just needed someone to talk to sometimes. Is that really asking for too much? Well, I don't know. And the phase is pretty much over.
I've lost battles time and again. The feeling's pretty much fading, just feel numb about it now. Though a little hopefully. Still pretty numb after though. It doesn't feel too good. Numbness. It makes you indifferent. And careless. And apathetic.And stupid. And silly. And ridiculous.
A whole lot of emotions all consumed in one person. No wonder I'm emotionally unstable these few times. Ha-ha-ha. Excuses, nonetheless. Cause if there's a will, there's always a way. Thing is, I don't want to do anything about it, cause I don't want to regret the outcome. But by saying that, I am already assuming that the outcome is going to be bad. That's the problem. I just can't seem to chuck away the possibility of disasters. Who knows, things might not always end tragically right? I should have thought about this carefully before anything. Cause I think this is Reason #1 for my unhappiness. It makes me risk averse cause at the back of my head I just assume every guy on the face of this earth has evil intentions(not that they're all not). But we will never know unless we know for ourselves how they're like. How people are like. Like some friends may have negative references from other friends, but they're still nice to you. So why judge?
I told you to 'Live the moment', maybe its about time I practise what I preach. But its difficult considering my principles are back in place. (All in due time huh) so it'll pretty much take sometime before the recently demolished walls(which I've painstakingly reconstructed) come tumbling down. It's all about credentials, how much you mean when you say something. Cause inevitably you'll reap what you sow. Weird how sometimes you did all you can to sow and don't want to claim your share. Weird.
Well, in my case, I am totally reaping krappy grades considering how fazed I've been this semester. And I'm in school typing this lengthy post for God knows what. Its still cold, I'm still shaking, and I still want to pee. Soon soon, hardly get uncorrupted thoughts that are not overflowing with profanities nowadays. This is one of the few good signs. Hahaha. I'm sure life'll get better la. I'm sure. Cause they say rainbows appear after every storm right? But my storm feels neverending I'm really exhausted braving through this. I'm really not exaggerating. Cause things are really tangled in a web. Too much problems. Even as I try to untangle little bits, it bounces back. People say this, people say that. Usually I can't be bothered with what people say much, but this time, these people make sense, make a whole lot of sense, reassuring me that my actions are not unwarranted.
I'm indecisive. I've been, and will always be. But this have got to stop. I'm going to take a stand. And stand by that stand. No matter how painful it is. No matter how loserific it makes me feel. No matter how alone I feel. Things happen, and they happen for a reason. Forgiving is not easy, but forgeting is much worse. For I will never forget the series of unfortunate events. I will bear this grudge with me, no matter how much I laugh, smile and dance around. I will always remember, every single thing that has happened. Revenge is sweet, but what's sweeter is when you're not involved in it. Allah has its plans, and this, is just a minor downfall for me, I know. To make me realise that He has the ability to give, as well as to take. And He is just training me to be stronger, with the neverending boils that appeared, fever, almost diabetic diagnosis. (Sidetrack:Man, I love how religious classes makes me optimistic even through the ridiculously dark times, shall stop giving it a miss.)
I hope I haven't done anything this grave to anyone, unknowingly. I hope this is not karma. I hope I haven't been too big-headed with all that I've got. I know I haven't been actually, but some people may get the wrong message. I'll never know really. People don't say what they think much. We sugar-coat our words too much nowadays. It can be good, but it is also pretty bad. Give politically correct answers and responses, not exagerrated-things-you-can't-fulfil-or-things-you-don't-mean responses. Don't torture yourself and live in pretence. Show how you're feeling until its all gone. They say what's broken can't be fixed. Hell, thats right. Anw, who are these people who come up with wise words anyway?
The other day, Nat was telling me about some apple on a tree theory about girls. She said I shouldn't feel bad and that there's nothing wrong with me (cause I'm unattached) cause I'm like the apple at the top of the tree, no guys are brave enough to climb cause they are afraid of falling so they settle for the rotten apples on the ground. This theory is flawed. Its a sour grape take on singlehood, I think. What rubbish, that just means that those who're attached are rotten apples, haha, which is so generalized please.
Okay I've said too much today, and I really need to pee cause the weather's getting cold. Shall pack up, and do just that and then mug like there's no tomorrow. There's a lot I have to catch up on. Getting knocked down flat on your face since the start of the semester is not funny. There's just so much I have to do to get back on track. Life sux eat drugs drink merrily dance around and study like there's no tomorrow. Hahaha, I hope I will really do that though. Hope I am able to psycho the relevant parties involved and myself for next Saturday. Trying something new won't hurt. And talking about that I better get my ass on bbdc.com.sg and book lessons asap before my siren wails aloud. Hoho happy Friday the thirteenth ya'll. This day used to make me smile wide. And it will again, someday.
