):

cause I realized that I do still miss you. like crazy.

I love you. but......

isn't it true? how things are always ever so complicated. like i love you, but you don't love me. or you can say i love you, but i love her more and she makes me happy. see, i don't like it much. how i still can think of these shitzxzxz every now and then.

but anyway, a whole lot of things occured these past few days. like my every so weak and troublesome sister gave me a joyride in an ambulance cause she sprained her back while trying to lift her mattress to put on a clean sheet. hahaha. but yeah it looked serious no matter how trivial and stupid it sounds. made me kinda nauseous looking at her unable to move. i dont know why. but anyway, that aside, spent like hours taking care of her kids while she was being examined and oh boy, i was super duper duper duper tired. if parenting was this hard, how the hell did people do it man. tho they're real cute, they're a real distraction. so anyway, she's better now, can walk and sit and stuff. and she'll be home for a week, God save me!

oh oh, another thing, i saw the partial lunar eclipse yesterday, yay! like finally. and i went to watch it alone. sigh. i should get used to this: doing things alone. but on a happier note, it was lovely, and if i die tomorrow, least one thing is crossed of the 'things i dreamt of doing' list. haha.

plus i watched run fat boy run, cute story, really. shows how determination conquers all. except in my case of course. cause things will never go right in this life of mine. who's to blame? the answers as clear as the sky today. nonetheless, i hope i can pull thru this viet trip well. eighteen days. sure gonna be a different person when i get back. surely.

still haven't got past this book for a week. and still get thought of you. gotta get get get get get get over it. urgh helppppppppppppp

world cup, uber rubbish 2010

i've never been a huge football fan actually but i've always been alottal supporter of italy cause of reasons unknown. maybe I caught an unforgettable match a couple years back and decide to make them my number one. nonetheless they clearly suck this year. I mean some of the players clearly showed they have their all, but the useless goalkeeper, he deserves to be shot or something. fancy letting goal after goal in. like WTF! anw within fifteen minutes they managed to salvage the situation and they couldve won this match and move along but, oh welllllll. till the next four years italia. for now I shall watch portugal's match versus brazil and see if they can be the next champion. doubt so. they all suck. what a let down ):

some people are born human. the rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there.

how thought provoking, these few words. & i can't help just to sit and stare for a second how much weight these words actually carry. like how some people get by super easily throught all these shit thats been happening. effortlessly. i took a lifetime just to get past something, though i know somehow it still haunt me. how sad.

but i'm still trying. & i have been having the best times so far. reading like crazy. love books man. & i wanna head to school and read more relevant books for school, cause i am interested and i actually have the time to spare now. tho no money and i lost my damned exlink ):

nonetheless my beach holiday went sour cause accomodation sucked tho the scenery was like woaaaaaaaah.

gotta love hipstamatic (: anw made up for the sucky holiday by going to jusco tebrau, puteri pacific & dim sum loving & boy i am a happy girl all over again, except for the sand fly bites all over ze untanned body ): bought underwear again (:

i should really quit buying undergarments man. anw hope i'll get past it soon. when it comes back creeping i just feel like shit all over again. and i am so so so tired of putting so much effort into something that is not confirmed. like fuck confirm the shit first before asking me to do it in details urgh. so pissed. and sleepy. and super tired but stoked that i got fruit ninja for freeeeeee (:

airplanes.

I've always wondered, why must there be a need for a sudden demise for realizations to occur. isn't life too hard already as it is?

deaths, they have like this hold on me. i am truly extremely sorry to hear that people close to me lost a loved one last night & this have kept me awake eversince. we're too young, way too young to experience things like this. there's so much left to learn. i sound like a brat i know. but honestly, i've been such a brat, taking people for granted. parent's especially. thinking of inadequacies in how they brought me up instead of how they were actually there for me, despite whatever really mean things i've spouted. of course the whole journey wasn't an easy one with feuds, their separation and what nots. although these glitches made it so much more difficult to pull through life, they were still around and my dad, despite our hesitance to stay with him is still around now, in my life. he didn't disappear on me.

i admit they have their shortcomings. like my dad's tit-for-tat attitude and his likening for ignorance when i piss him off. especially when it comes to money. and my mom, constant nags about how i am always out and about dating every guy, when truth comes too short, actually not even close to it. so yes, despite all these, they are still the pillars in my life, no doubt. and don't get me started on my sisters. i love them all. brother included despite his lack of presence and position in my life.i truly can't imagine my life without any of them. when people have become fixtures in your life, you get used to their presence and despite not being fully acknowlegable about it, they do matter and their departure certainly will push a button somewhere in my truly broken heart and activate futher destruction.

i just truly feel sad thinking about it and when someone close actually have to deal with the realities of it, i'm truly dumbfounded. i havent breathe a word of comfort to either of them and i honestly dont know what to say. i can't even respond well when someone's complimenting me. how do you actually expect a decent reply when this horrible incident occurs? i dont know. i hope i will stop being so socially awkward and deal with the realities of life soon. face up to the fact that i can die any moment, not as a result of suicide, hopefully and make the best out of it. and of course not to take people for granted. but i'm no saint as you can see, i fall short of one too many attributes but i'm trying. to get past this phase.

i hope the journey will smoothen henceforth. i'm actually tired of things tumbling on me one too many time. since a year ago. that was twelve months or fifty two weeks ago. i am taking control of my life, and thats the best i can do. the rest, situation and whatnots, is really up to You. i hope You'll be merciful, as we know you are. and i know you believe in me to put me through all these. but really, I dont know if i'm cut out for any of these. at all.

I pray for you both. be strong & i'll be there for you, hope you know that <3