i need a week or two.

HAIRUL AQIL DANIAL!

this boy here made my day by walking all the way from the living room to my room; just to look for me(cause i kinda disappeared after playing hide and seek with him). he not only learnt how to open my phone, he's learnt to delete msgs, listen to songs, switch it off/on, key in numbers, save number, call random people & send msgs. he's just so clever & adorable! look at his cheeky smile which i look forward to after every tiring day(:

one fine day(:

school's made me ultra miserable.

1. i barely have enough sleep.
2. i only have the chance to watch friends now.
3. i don't keep up with one tree hill & gilmore girls.
4. i hardly meet up with my friends(baches esp!)
5. i don't have time&money to shop.
6. i hardly spend time with my nephew.
7. i don't go out with my family(anymore).
8. & worse of all, i don't even have a holiday.

i should really stop complaining and get started on studying. if not the depression will worsen with bad results.

:( bad days ahead
:( bad days ahead
:( bad days ahead
:( bad days ahead
:( bad days ahead

cause you give me something



credits: devianart






and friends come and friends go

i've promised myself a-running from reality and beyond. it caught me enthusiastically; alright. and now, i'm trapped. not sure where this will take me. i've realised the shortcomings, and the likelihood-ness. i've weighed the pros and cons. but, i'll give it a shot. there're way too many things and people that i've given a miss. and the guilt, oh my, i rather turn back time and do things all over again. the mind asks to give it a goddamn try while the heart demands a brain surgery. this is one good example of internal conflict. but the mind just goes on and on and on ignoring the existence of everything else; getting too big-headed. what're the consequences of all these? one big-ass muddle(d) head.

i hate regrets. but i hate trying too.

today's dreadful life choice will be tomorrow's happy accident

today's dose of the killers made my day(:

JUST BREATHE

amazingly, the day was rather productive on my side. i miraculously woke up around 630 but decided that it was too early to take a bathe, so i headed off for a 15-20 minutes nap. and my nap prolonged, as usual. so, decided to skip the whole going to school thing and continued to sleep. actually i'd rather head to school, rather than have my sister annoying me every second of my sleep by making me look at whether what she's wearing is nice. not only that, she still have the cheek to ask me to plait up her hair when i was sleeping. stupid, inconsiderate sister.

anyway, i woke up only around noon so that i'll be on time for the 'aksara' thing. it was interesting i shall say. i am surprised at my sudden interest in this kind of historical thing. maybe it was the mcs stuffs that i had to do that made me interested in the passage of malay writing. so, i was in awe most of the time, looking at 'hikayats' and 'sankrits'. i had this cool picture on a book called 'Chinta, oh chinta'. but i promised someone that she had the liberty to put it up on her blog, so ya, just check it out on hers. anyway, it was cool and the exhibition's till somewhere june. catch it if you're free.

headed off to eat since we're all starving. something kinda unexpected happened. and i'm not sure whether i should pursue it or not. sigh. i lack the confidence. and my sister keep on bugging me to just 'try my luck'. but its not about luck, its about my repute. you know how much i hate rejection/to lose.

dear, i fear we're facing a problem

you love me no longer, i know

and maybe there is nothing

that i can do to make you do

so kiss me and smile for me

tell me that you'll wait for me

hold me like you'll never let me go

i don't know. eventhough everything seemed rather vague. there's this tinge of psychotic-ness and scaryness to it. maybe its just my mind. maybe its my brain. maybe its my heart. maybe its just me. i don't know. help please.

you said, time heals everything

but i'm still waiting

i am insanely unhappy. with the piling homework, with the neverending stress, with the majorly permanent problem in my mind nearly 24-7, with the thoughts of exams, exams and more exams, with the disintegrating stability.

i'm gonna gobble down paracetamols prescribed by the doc and sleep my problems away(temporarily).

y'know, most of the time i am ridiculously particular about stupid nonsense that it irritates the hell out of me and of course, those around me. most of the time, i find comfort in perfectionism and when things don't turn out the way i want them to, i'll just discard it away. most of the time, because of my particular-ism, i lose hope, finding that its useless to carry on since the outcome is not up to my expectation. most of the time, because of all these, i just give up.

nonetheless, eventhough the outcome of the 'photo album' was not really perfect(cause i can't f*cking draw miffy&melanie properly), even though the card didn't turn out as planned, eventhough everything wasn't turning out as i expected, i had a GREAT GREAT GREAT day. eventhough i practically abandoned my piling homeworks, continuously whined and was stoned in most lessons, today was fantabulous.

of course the screamings and chasing around in the school canteen was uncalled for. of course the smearing of chocolate on my blouse and arms was uncalled for. of course the continuous blaming games was uncalled for. but ultimately, i'm sure we had fun screaming out heads off.

the secondary school celebration was also great. eventhough we're one hour late( it wasn't MY fault okay) we had fun making a fool of ourselves and gossiping about people from our class. of course i miss my secondary school days(maybe the lot of us only la), at least we get to relive that every once in a while.

once again, HAPPY 18th NUR ZAWANA BTE MUSTAPHA(act your age please), hope it was a memorable one for you(:

did i mention my hatred towards periods(pun intended) like this?



& i hope the rise(s) & fall(s) are over. i wanna be somewhere safe and collected. no more moody shits. no more stupid petty nonsense. no more nagging from people. but one thing's for sure. they're damn cool, to know the answer first(when i myself wasn't aware of it all). but oh wells, its a little too late. okay, maybe its way too late. oh wells, they said it won't go anywhere if its meant to be.

wah. these few days have been crazy. i got caught for something stupid, which nearly made me and the girls known to the school. i skipped multiple lectures. i haven't been doing homework religiously. and worse of all, my money's been going down the drain. i swear i'm gonna be a pauper by the end of next week. okay, maybe the middle of next week. and i hate saturdays and sundays. i never seem to get days to rest. i'll be having econs tmr, tj gema thing and family 'outing/dinner' all around the same time. utter bullshit life is. force me to make choices. why can't things be laid out nicely for each week, rather than cramping all of it up in a day. and i have to forgo another performance(again). but this time's worse cause i paid already. but nvm. sunday's another matter. i've got to perform for the prime minister first, beofre joining him for the walk-a-jog. hopefully i can make it for the walk-a-jog thing so that i don't have to pay 5 bucks for the damn shirt that i'll hardly ever wear.

sigh.

not to forget the fact that i still haven't revised my j1 topics yet. i'm so facing bad blocks results. since its like 2 more weeks to 'school holiday'. i need to start focusing already. its may goddammit. half the year's gone and i haven't started to revise. i don't know a single shit about weathering la. geog's gonna be first on my priority list(looking at how my teachers are great), followed by econs(i need to start passing) and of course lit(get better marks). i need to do a timetable which i'll hardly ever follow. at least that'll make me all geared up for studying(uhuh, its true!).

time is running out.

and maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. and afterall, you're my wonderwall(:

you lied. you said time's gonna work it out.

okay.i don't hate my father(thats sucha strong word to use). i just despise the way he disappoints me. again and again. every other time.

& i hate bloody j1s who makes my life damn bloody difficult.











i'm leaving on a jet plane.

i think its true what zawana said. i really think that her 17th year was the worse. things started to get bad right after may, last year. even the tanjung pinang trip we went for wasn't that fabulous(if you know what i mean). hopefully it will be different this year. it needs to be different. cause sadly. the year's been one big fat-ass pain. it needs change(for the better, obviously). sigh.

no one really understands why i hate my father so much. no one really understands that there really isn't any last-child benefit. no one understands at all.

)':

after the much needed nap that day. life's much, much, much better. maybe i achieved enlightenment in my deep sleep. i don't know. but life's much bearable now(: maybe its the waking up at 4 in the morning to complete my essay. and the breakfast. and everything else under the sun/stars. the trip to bottle tree park today was the most interesting i shall say(:

shall spread the love of the bottle tree and ask everyone to go to bottle tree park. cause its cool with the swings and stuffs. three day work week is the best la. got my much needed rest. but i slacked too much till the tons of homework were left untouched. and i still havent completed the lit essays. shit.

nevermind, shall have my last day of fun tmr. before mugging for the blocks which is in about 7 weeks or so. need to study and pass with flying colours. NEED to. counting down to all these exam dates are indeed frightening, looking at how much time i have left. and thinking about the number of topics i'm still unsure about is even more scary. tsk.

nevermind. shall let loose and shall meet people going for the fantabulous midsummers before/after the show, since well, its kinda near VCH. and we need to do some shopping spree thing. but have to hit school first to do my essays and hand it up to mr spencer. since he's like the adorable teacher whom i really find cute(:

oh. i watched a movie today(: with my sisters some more. its been a while. although the movie's scary(the sound effect la), i conquered it.

i'm gonna end my day early today(since today was kinda the worst day of the year). will nap for 2 hours and wake up to finish up GP and lit essays. although i haven't done my work religiously during the long weekend, at least i don't subject myself to such (useless) acts anymore. i need to learn to live up with consequence, no matter what it is. and, my mood's very very very very very very very very bad today. especially in school. i am losing my sanity by the second and becoming ridiculously petty and unreasonable. maybe its just me, maybe its the people around me, maybe its the atmosphere around me maybe its just how life is. but one thing's for sure. i am f-king pissed at everything little thing. i am not in the normal mood(where i couldn't care less about the things around me). i am being subconsciously annoying and petty. what in the freaking hell is happening to me. i want to return to the 'i couldn't care less attitude'.

this is bad. this is very very bad.

i am seriously getting too used to sleeping late already, i see more detentions

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